michele bachmann. that is 8:00 eastern on the fox business network. tonight on "freedom watch," 8:00 eastern, congressman golmert. are any republicans willing to stay to the president stop the borrowing? from new york, defending freedom. so long, america. well xome to "red eye." tag, please don't tamper with the suction fittings. let's go to andy levy with a pre game report. what's coming up tonight? >> our top story tonight, president obama ends a two-year ban on military tribunals at guantanamo bay. just kidding, our top story is charlie sheen. and where have all of the cowboy poets gone? and finally want president obama to speak at your commencement? commencement?
this is it, the old pancake tuesday. >> your face is a bucket of dispair. >> i apologize for nothing. >> go away. all right, let's welcome our guest. isn't she adorable? i am here with jill dobson. she is so breathtaking she is considered the prime cause of asthma. yeah, a hated woman among asthmatics. and he is always outspoken about a world that is broken. the comedian nick dapaula. and dirty syringes refuse to share him. it is my repulsive sidekick, bill shultz. and someone just looted goodwill. sitting next to me is the legendary professor, author and actor of three things, the fourth installment of his great comic book series, rpm, hitting stores march 30th. i am a tiny little man.
and our "new york times" correspondent. good to see you, pinch. >> why don't you ever write about the new talking paperism, mr. brooks? grab your things. you're fired. >> you can't fire him. >> i am the "new york times," sir. he merely writes on my parafinish. >> yes, he does. on your lower thigh. well, she brandishing steel after losing the deal. on monday deranged deviant charlie sheen climbed to the top of a beverly hills building and pulled out a huge machete and mimicking mlk yelled "free at last. free at last." he was refering to getting canned from "two and a half men." now who will replace him? they say thisy have narrowed it down to one man. my choice exactly.
anyway, later sheen went home and live streamed a new episode of his web show "charlie's korner." roll highlights, highlights rollers. >> hold on, hold on. let me see if this has speakers. it is built by trolls, keep that in mind. phones were built by trolls. duh, we are still getting gyped. if you own the home in which you own the trashcan, you should never have to empty it ever, ever, ever again. hold on. go ahead. you speak, i willisen. you need to hear my gold as it rolls out as it is disappearing like so many magician's rabbits. >> i like the way you go to you streak. when you go to you stream .com. >> winner .com. winner, winner, chicken dinner. it is a sheen dog. what other kind of dog would it be? its soul is inhabited by the ghost of betty and now it will
eat trolls with its razor fangs and drop their spleens off in their children's tiny houses. hold so, stupid plane with noise attached. >> stupid plane with noise attached. so to many, sheen is on a spiraling spiral, spiraling downward in a spiral. and it has made more the evident if you look at how he has changinged over the years. -- changed over the years. >> i think he has improved, actually. let's go to tom o'connor for a live shot. >> thanks, greg. back to you.
>> indeed that is a live shot. jill, you are the world's leading entertainment reporter and a heroin addict. what is your take on all of this? >> i agreed with him and was on his side until he said phones were built by trolls. if you have seen my mu blackberry, a troll couldn't build that with his big old hands. maybe a dexterous leprechaun, but not a troll. get your facts straight, charlie. >> trolls can do anything they set their minds on. >> they don't have anymore bell fingers. >> i have enough problems with the feminists. nick, his work you have seen it. a vast improvement over his earlier stuff? >> i thought it was christian bail in "the machinist" and thought it was oscar worthy. i admire his dedications dropping the weight. i was afraid if you go from a clip to that to john boehner, the contrast and skin tones might be upsetting. >> that's a good point. he raises a good point. could this all be an act?
a beautiful act? >> if it is, it is the best acting he has ever done. he is entertaining. like this, drugged up, you know. he didn't have that much charisma when he was sober, and if this is what it takes. it is refreshing to see a het trow sexual male cut loose. i am enjoying this. he refers to himself as a genius, but how many geniuses go, duh? i respect him more if his career wasn't handed to him by his dad. >> good point. >> it is a ploy. it is a big international women's day me being something unlikely anything but a feminist, and he is trying to detract from his abusive behavior. his bizarre behavior. >> we have to remind people, he is shoot his fiancee in the arm. >> accidentally. >> accidentally, but he still shot -- >> he has come a long way. he no longer disrespectfully
calls women night hookers. he calls them goddesses. >> and that's another thing. what other man would like to put a bullet in his wife's -- >> she is celebrating international women's day. >> every day in this country is woman's day. >> it is today. >> bill, have i to say even when his -- i have to say when his hair looks bad it looks good. >> yes, it grew as he was talking without even expecting it. the more excited he got the bigger his head got. and i would also say we didn't learn anything in that video at all apart from the fact -- >> what do you mean? >> that's a good party trick. the one thing we didn't learn is that charlie sheen will not be doing urine and/or blood tests live on air for the next 72 hours. >> i bet he would do a live shot for "red eye." >> i'm afraid to ask. >> jill was asking about my
wrestling work and i said she should watch "beyond the mat." jake roberts said they did a hatchet job on him. and my comment was he was smoking crack on camera, how much of a hatchet job could it have been. jake looked better in "beyond the mat" than charlie sheen does these days. >> i feel that this is not going to end well. what bothers me more. what bothers me more is not charlie sheen, it is the hangars on, the people that are around him. you have to listen to this. we put together all of the comments from the phone conversation he was having and listen to the guy on the other line. >> i woke up and watched you stream eight and a half minutes, thank you for that minute. it was brilliant. all of your tweets up there are brilliant as usual. >> hello, duh. >> i like the show. i'm glad you went solo. >> what is not to love?
it is my life, winning. >> and life is loving you. >> these people will not tell him something is wrong. >> they are spending time in hollywood? they are leaches. >> there is a silver lining here. now that charlie is off the cast, the miami heat can call their team "two and a half men " in light of chris bosh's performance. did you get that? >> yill -- jill and i are looking at each other saying, why aren't they talking about "project runway." if he made a reference to "project runway" i would have been all over that. i thought the miami heat was an old 70s show jie. it should have been a project runway reference because there is more cocaine parallels. should we move on from charlie to horses? they are killing the poets and they know it. harry reid thinks the republican plan to cut spending is mean. but what really bugs him is
the gop's budget proposal would end funding for the national endowment for the art and the national endowment for the humanities, and that would be catastrophic. tell them why, harry. >> humanities is the reason we have every january cowboy poetry festival. had that program not been around, tens of thousands of people who come there every year would not exist. >> that's right. no more cowboy poetry festival. it seems the national cowboy poetry gathering is a week-long celebration of life in the rural west featuring the contemporary art of western ranch and culture. sounds kind of hot. in the true outlaw spirit of the old west, it is subsidized by your tax dollars.
>> why can't we all have one? that would be a government program i could get behind. let's go to tom o'connor for a love shot. >> thanks, greg. back to you. >> he has a great job. if they refuse to cut funding for this, we have no hope to cut anything. >> the only thing they will cut is their throats come november of 2012. they are not serious. you can tell. >> that's a metaphor, right? >> nice tone. >> i need to get on the internet. >> have you ever heard of a cowboy who can ride anything other than the cowboy with the assless chaps? >> you are getting angry? >> that's because he does president have a friend named
big hoss. i took the inspiration and the moment to write down a little cowboy poetry of my own. it is boots and chaps and cowboy hats. it is spurs and a lot of gold. it's the ropes and the reins and the joy and the pain, and they call the thing a rodeo. >> you know, i remember hearing that somewhere. >> i think that is chris ganes. >> it is chris. >> it is not usher. >> jill, i i just realized something, the reason cowboy poetry sucks is they can't rhyme anything with saddles. >> paddles. >> how would you not know about -- chaddles. >> it is never going to have elective officials cutting the deficit. you have social security and everyone on social security won't vote for you the next time you lose your job.
you eliminate cowboy poetry and lose 5 to 10,000 votes. >> if i was to explain what was at stake, people would willingly give up healthcare until they were 80. >> people do vote with their hoofs. jill, you were a body double in broke back mountain. >> i volumeeered. >> i did not get paid for their role. >> no, you didn't. >> i can't defend this. if we are not going to tighten our belts with cowboy poetry without getting rid of that, is that not on the table either? it does not make sense to me. it goes across the board. maybe military spending as well, but you have to cut something, and this is insanity, and it is such a horrible example. he set himself up for this. >> he did. cowboy poetry is just a bunch of guys around a campfire farting. >> it started in "blazing
sandals." >> blazing sandals? you were thinking about "project runway." i want to talk about this next story because it is dear to my heart. our nation's high schools have displayed a lack of interest to decide which would get the commencement speech by president obama. the contest was extended from february 25th to march 11th after few schools met the deadline and a white house memo stated, quote, as of yesterday we received 14 applications and the deadline is friday. worse, 11 were from this guy. can't miss with that picture. and then a follow-up memo was added. he said, something is not working. we should make sure the cabinet is pushing the competition out to the list. we don't want the actual april law -- application number out there. that is sad. even sadder, this dude has 500 more commencement requests than our commander-in-chief.
be impeached and sent back to his boyhood home of kenya? >> that's a good idea. i will jump on that ban wagon. i'm surprised the kids don't want to see a guy up close that will bankrupt them. >> they see their teachers every day. >> they are afraid he may bring michelle to the school. >> and then take their food away. >> the thought of machines are replaced with breast milk pumps and eating carrots five days a week. >> i would like that actually. >> random comment, your favorite restaurant growing up? >> pat patterson. >> pat patterson does an unbelievable luis armstrong. it would blow you away. >> i have bad news. that was pat patterson. he has gone downhill. >> he is dead, isn't he? >> no, he is alive. he has a cd out called "my second dream" in which he does an unbelievable luis armstrong. and can i . out this is a pr failure on the obama administration. all you need is one entry, and
then you tout it as it is a complete and total success. can i be honest here? katie couric hasn't called me in 10 years. i live next to sol law dad o'brian and she won't do a special. you are the only person who called me for tonight's show. i'm on "red eye" tonight. >> i'm not sure if that was an insult or compliment. i said i will choose it as a compliment. >> you have good taste. the white house is refusing to released the current application numbers. should we use the freedom of information act right now? >> i don't know. i think there is more important issues out there. it is a bad pr move. before we blame the president's poll numbers on the lack of interest, we should remember most high schoolers can't even write. how will they fill out the application? and i bet not even one can name a cowboy poet. >> that's true. >> then i am the nation's high schools. >> gitmo is open.
obama has embraced the military tribunals. they are miss mistaking him for bush. >> they don't know what bush is at that age. wait until college. >> i have a theory that -- >> what is your theory? >> i have a theory -- they are angry at bush's inability to say anything positive about the teach everies teachers in wisconsin. this is encouraging the schools to -- >> that is an interesting theory. >> i have one. >> quickly. i. >> can i go back to the pr failure? the president should not have paraphrased rudy guiliani when he said "get -- gitmo is open for business." >> we are open for business for the next block. >> that was amazing. >> yes very much. >> i came up with that on the fly which means i didn't read it from a prompter. coming up, is colin firth a
somebody is doing a monologue, but it is a greg-alogue. and now to my second favorite topic, guns. my first favorite, you. and now if you need proof that having a gun is super smart, it is like owning a tiny potty trained dog. last night in portland, oregon a man called 9-1-1. the reason? he was terrified. and he was in distress.
he thought he was going to die, and rightly so. after all he had an unkept beard. but more important he broke into a house and was there in the bathroom taking a shower when the homeowner returned. the owner asked him what he was doing and he responded by locking himself in the john and calling 9-1-1. the reason? he told the operator he thought the owner, a woman, had a gun. here is tape, tape herers. >> i just broke into a house and the owner came home. >> you broke into a house? >> yeah. >> where at? >> i don't know. >> so are you still there? >> yes. he called law enforcement because he feared an armed lady he only tried to rob moments earlier. the homeowner also called the cops, but the real story is the change of behavior when a gun entered the picture.
if someone fears he has a gun he is wonderful amenable. which means the gun arrives the life span of the crime diminishes too. the homeowner did not have to bran dosh the pistol. the thought was enough. the perp was in jail and the homeowner didn't have a gun. the intruder thought otherwise. if you disagree, you are worse than hitler. yeah! >> nick, guns are really, really expensive to get a permit in new york city. sbt that unfair -- isn't that unfair to law abiding taxpayerswho want to shoot people in their homes? >> i guess i disagree with you. >> really? >> no, i am a pro gun guy. >> i agree with you. you need to be determined. >> what if the guy didn't have guns in the home. the guy broke in and grabbed the guns.
>> that's a good possibility. >> that could happen. >> perhaps the person coming home could have a permit to carry and shoot that person. >> i didn't see that in the article you sent me. >> i know you disagree with me, but that woman was a woman. she leveled the playing field because the guy thought she was armed. that is good for something, right? >> and embrace the comment and that woman was a woman. you will not get that in "60 minutes" sir. >> let me tell you something about the second amendment, my friend. back in the constitution, they played rules like gentlemen. you had a disagreement, you are aaron burr you walk up and say i don't like your policies, i will kill you. there was no sneaking up and whacking anybody. you talk i- talked over the rules of engagement. i am telling you right now, if there was a fight and that guy
was in the shower, he would have been out of there. >> basically the real save yes, sirs in all of this are the people in band practice that is a beautiful, beautiful moral to the story. jill, you felt sorry for the guy hiding in the shower, right? >> i love the idea the homeowner had the gun, and i personally won't say whether or not i have a gun, but the "desperate housewives" character, bree, the shotgun toting lady and lifetime is now carrying it. >> i watch it diligently. bill, you often break into houses. >> i am that guy. i empathize with him. the take away is not that guns are the greatest thing since sliced guns. if you have somebody break into a house make sure it is a homeless coward. >> take a shower and look for some food. instead he found trouble.
>> i like that i call it a sawed off shotgun and he called it a sliced gun. >> did you ever try a sliced gun? >> that woman is a woman. do you have a comment on the show? it is red eye at fox news .com. it is international women's day, by the way. leave an -- a voicemail on my number. and coming up, the half time show with andy levy. >> tonight's half time report is sponsored by goats, the mammals related to sheep with arching horns and tail and straight hair. thanks, goat.
welcome back. let's find out if we have anything wrong so far. for that we go to anally levey. what's going on? >> what i will tell you what is not going on. >> we were too busy celebrating international women's business day. you know how we celebrated? >> how. >> with pancakes. >> i don't think it is good for the self-image. >> are you suggesting that being fat is bad for self-image? you make me sick you craving massage nis. >> i am craving pancakes. >> crave away, my friend. crave away. >> that's called comedy, people. >> it is over quickly.
it is before we could destroy. >> charlie sheen -- greg, you mentioned when sheen was asked about how he felt about being fired he said "free at last, free at last." i believe this is what dr. kick referred to when he looked forward to the day people were not judged by the sallen of their skin, but drug in the blood stream. and you refered to it as charlie's korner and it is sheen's korner. >> duh. with a k. >> troll. jill, the troll guild will be waiting under a bridge for you after the show. >> all right, all right, i will take the lincoln tunnel home. >> you have the riddles ready. >> and you will not get it. >> they will take riddles or ritalin. >> nick, you said sheen is much more entertaining than he was when he is sober and you
find it refreshing. except he will be dead within a month if he doesn't get help. >> it doesn't affect my bottom line. >> simple question, simple answer. >> you are like a corporation. >> losing, duh. >> bill, you said sheen's pom paw doer was growing as he was talking. his skeleton was shrinking. >> he developed cheek bones while on his rant. >> they were stunning. >> you mentioned how annoying his hangars on are. i learned the tool sitting next to him in the first you stream broadcast, that is his assistant. so ien encourage everyone -- so i encourage everyone to tweet him and let him know what a tool he is. >> i'm sure sheen knows who works for him like the guy who empties the trash. >> and harry reid is worried about the cowboy poets. greg, you asked why we can't 1r* loriss?
they have glands that released toxins they take into their mouth when they bite you. >> oh my god. >> they are one of the animals that finds a place in your apartment where they drop their feces and can never get out. >> that's not it. it is more of the toxins from the biting and they are an endangered species. >> i thought it was having to do with the weird thing of dropping your feces. >> every time i see aloris, i think of gary olman of "dracula." >> you know what else will be an endangered species soon? cowboy poets. >> fair point. and nick asked if anyone knew a cowboy who could rhyme. roy rogers, right? >> i am not going to argue with you. >> a great fast-food restaurant. >> if you win like the competition, are you the poet lariat?
>> wow. >> he is on fire. >> you are welcome, america. >> jill, you said that this show is like why it will never work to have elected officials cut the deficit. sadly the constitution gives the power of the purse to congress. we can't do anything about it. >> i think it should go to the supreme court. they will never lose their jobs. they are there for life. they need to fix the deficit. why not? >> again on the why not, it is that constitution. >> international women's day, i say ruth can do it uh -- do it alone. >> she is a man. >> let me take this opportunity that you are are succeeding up my air. -- sucking up my air. >> did anyone notice that reid said without government grants, quote, the tens of thousands of people who come to the festival every year would not exist? they would be wiped from the
time line, people. and i know you all made fun of the cowboy poetry festival, and i bet i can change your mind. they have open mic night. >> really? >> been there, done that. >> it is a guy named mike who is at one with his feelings. go on, mike. and i don't know if he is a real cowboy. >> he just wears the chaps. >> yeah, you are a little too open on those nights, mike. if that's your real name. >> not a lot of high schools want obama to speak at commencement. did you say the schools are afraid the soda machines will be replaced with breast milk pumps? >> yes, i did. >> i i just wanted to double check that. >> i drove in and wrote it in the caution. >> we have to stop getting uh driver. >> that means you have done well. >> nick, i am getting to you now. you basically said you are only here because nobody else called you. and greg somehow chose to take
that as a come mi meant. i don't think that is a compliment. >> honestly you can look it up on twitter that this was a great experience for me and i felt a much more family-type atmosphere unlike other panels where you are struggling to get your work in. >> andy, in fairness, all of the tweets end with a hash tag and they would rather be with katie couric. >> call me soledad was the other one. >> is she as hot as i think she is? >> her parents are my next door neighbor because she moved away. i see her mom and dad frequently. >> is her mother hot too? >> large family, too. >> where do you live without being specific? >> next door to soledad. >> perfect. i only ask because i went to high school with soledad. >> so you went to --
>> we officially name drop soledad o'brian. >> so you went to smith town? >> i did. >> this is terrific. >> this is like the viewers sitting in an airport bar waiting for a flight and listening to another table of idiots talk about people they know. >> and connie chung lives in my basement, did i mention that? >> that's stretching it. >> was andy testing me there? >> i think he was. and lastly, going to the greg-alogue, man calling 9-1-1. greg, you said as a homeowner that woman was a woman? we are going to get letters, man. >> my point is that women are at a disadvantage in terms of strength. >> are they really? is that how you look at it? is that how you look at it? >> it is international women's day. and every woman should get a gun. >> i think women are at an advantage because they are better than men. >> but they are better if they --
>> do you think my girlfriend can't mess things up, you haven't gone to a tibo class. >> i don't think nick understands. >> make your choice. >> why do we have to choose? >> it is like the dating game. >> somebody lost some body parts. >> and here they are. >> jill is missing an ear too. >> andy? >> yeah, greg. >> what are you dismog. >> waiting for you to tell me to go away. >> go away. >> that was easy. coming up, ryan secrist is dead -- set against answering phone calls. it is like he is answering him for money. what is new with lyndsay lohan? whatever it is, let's hope she paid for it.
paing lot used it to buy $40 worth of pizza. it belonged to a college student who realized he lost his card and then they said it was in use. then they found this rich guy who was still waiting for his pies. comby the way, the d-bag had a couple hundred bucks in his pocket, even while using the kid's card. for more insight, let's go to another live shot. >> thanks, greg. >> you're the best, greg. you're the best. >> he is right. i am the best. let's discuss the story in our lightning round. >> doesn't it want to make you beat up a dentist. >> it makes me want to beat up all dentists. life is about choices and he made so many poor ones.
stealing the credit card, buying food and staying there? >> staying there was the worst thing. jill, i want to go with you. you steel credit cards all the time. mississippi take was he was not -- his mistake was he was not moving fast enough. >> he would have got a sympathy vote. the person must have needed food. he told the cops he had a lot of money. not just the money on him, but he said he was a millionaire. not cool. >> if you are going to steel food you have to do the munch and run and eat it and beat it and show some courage. >> it shows how dumb he was. the cops are like, sir are you having financial problems? no, i am not having financial problems. i am worth over $2 million. >> nick, are you as surprised as i am that dentists could be millionaires? >> that's what jumped out at me. i looked at my $185 for a cleaning and it adds up. what is he stealing gold teeth from his patients that died? >> i don't know.
he be smir ofs all millionaire dentists. i think he should give the card to the clemming kid for a day -- to the college kid for a day. >> why is it that only poor people steel in -- steal? >> all bad things happens in the publics. >> way to bring it down. next topic. lyndsay lohan is suing the jewelry store that sold the surveillance tape that reportedly showed her stealing a $2500 necklace. they said they had no right to use her image for profit. you are the celebrity expert and thief. lohan looked great on the tape, didn't she? >> she looked great. she was standing there and talking to the clerk and sending a lot of text messages and standing there and doing nothing.
>> it is like the balcony of the muppets. >> joe, what do you think? >> snoop dogg. i think he needs to update his references. nick hasn't been in the news much other than his katie perry due -- duet. i don't think he cares. he doesn't really like that. >> quickly, i have 30 seconds. >> i love the cliches. there is nothing better for old men than saying get off my lawn. >> the only interesting thing about the story is most kids these days know the music they are listening to and it is an april operation. now rappers have kids that are in their 30s. everybody knows -- everybody is listening to the same music. >> eminem usesen gnaw ma -- uses enemas now. he is actually over 40. >> we are going to take a
new piece of art. i call this lesbian unicorns in love, and i did it myself. i have two bids in, but they had qualifications. one guy of on erred $500 if his wife can kiss se-cupp. another guy wanted to come on the show with imogen and sc. charity is when you bid on something. it is not when you bid on something you want. so if you want to win this piece of art -- come back to me. e-mail your bid to red eye at fox news .com. you have until friday. stop driving me crazy with all of these requests. the bids close by next friday or this friday. as you know all of the money goes to the wounded warriors project. and let's not forget the real mess sen. it is not 3w* charity. it is about me looking awesome. >> we will close things out with andy levy. to see news clips go to to see news clips go to foxnews.com/redeye. p
coming up tomorrow on the next "red eye" lauren savant and jim norton is back. >> time to go back to tv's andy levy for the post game wrap up. >> what is rain? >> what's what? >> mick or nick? >> nick. >> it is the group i work with. it stands for rape abuse incest national network. no jokes here, please. i am a volunteer and sometimes late at night unfortunately the demand of people who need help are not having the ability to provide. i thought, if "red eye"'s viewers are people who are up late and care about current events they may be good volunteers. >> great idea. >> go to www. rain .org, or if they need help with an assault we are there for them too. >> how is the pancake?
>> have another bite. >> have several. these are so good. >> not cool. >> are you kidding me? >> do you want to give your twitter followers a shoutout? >> yes, hello to everyone on twitter and tune into vh1 later this month. i will be on 40 shocking celebrity break ups. yeah, 40. >> how will we get through that? >> sheaking of break ups, break me off part of that pancake. >> nick, where will you be in the next couple weeks, you jerk? >> this friday and saturday night, bananas in paw kip see. next friday night, the tree house in stanford. -- excuse me, strikeord, connecticut. i haven't made stanford yet. >> this is the best pancake i have ever had. >> i